Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
