Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
