I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
