Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
