i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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