Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
