Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
