My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
