Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
