I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
