im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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