good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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