we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
