1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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