Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I need moral support for this bender
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
