Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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