You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
