there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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