made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
