Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
