remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
