you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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