Your face is a jimmy john
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
