apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
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