Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
