Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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