my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
