The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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