Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
