my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
