New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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