All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
