Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
