Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
