Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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