Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
