He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
