So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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