I cannot find my penis.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
