Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So squirting runs in the family.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
