is your mom at the bar?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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