ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
