Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
