I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
