So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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