He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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