when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
