I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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