im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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