I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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